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A Bottle of Vodka and a packet of cigarettes please

Sam: A bottle of vodka and a packet of cigarettes; please, this will not work.  

Alex: I need to distract her enough so she doesn’t start digging.  Now move that chair so it’s facing the window, it looks too…too uniform there. 

Sam: You are joking!  After all the Feng Shui nonsense you insisted on to get that eyesore in here!

Alex: That was then, this is now, we’re going for something between heroin chic and knackered single parent of three.

Sam: Are you for real?  Gok Wan, you are not! Listen to yourself. You’re not ill, you’re not an addict and you don’t have a drinking problem, not a real one anyway.

Alex: Why is my mother visiting if she doesn’t suspect something?  Like a bloodhound, she’s got the scent of something.  I have to distract her. Come on, be a mate help me out. No, don’t empty the ashtray; the fuller the better.

Sam: This is ridiculous, you don’t smoke. Just tell her the truth.

Alex: Oh yeah that’ll work! Hi mum, I accidentally slept with your boyfriend twice.  Yeah, the one you’re madly in love with, this time it’s the real thing, he’s definitely a keeper, blah, blah, blah. And then watch my life flash before me.

Sam: Twice! I thought it only happened once.

Alex: Twice, three times and again two days ago who’s counting?  I was doomed after the first time, what’s the difference? She can only kill me once.  Don’t judge me I’m the victim here.

Sam: Granted; she’ll be upset, not knowing he’s Bi, but…

Alex: He’s not Bi…

Sam:  If you say so

Alex: Anyway, that’s beside the point, you don’t know what she’s capable of.

Sam: It’s not her style, Carole’s more bark than bite.

Alex: Tell that to the poor guys at the bowling alley.

Sam: You said no one was hurt.

Alex: Only because they ducked out of the way and called for re-enforcements!


Alex: How do you know her name is Carole? No one calls her Carole?

Sam: You told me.

Alex: Nope! That would humanise her, I would never make that mistake.

Sam: We need to concentrate on the task at hand.

Alex: How did you know her name was Carol?

Sam: I dropped her off at the station last time she was here, remember?  You had to go off and be fabulous somewhere, I think the new Primark had opened.

Alex: Mmm, I remember, what happened?

Sam: Her train was delayed. We went for a coffee, we chatted and she said call me Carole.

Alex: You’re such a liar… please don’t tell me what I think I’m hearing!

Sam: These things happen…

Alex: How could you!

Sam: I didn’t; she’s a game girl.

Alex: La, la, la I don’t want to hear it.   


Alex: Deplorable as it may be, this could work in my favour.

Sam: So you don’t mind if I see her again? 

(Alex throws a pencil at Sam’s head)

Sam: Ouch! That could’ve had my eye out!

Alex: Get a shift on, there’s a change in the air, she’s getting close.

Sam: I’m bleeding!

Alex: That’s good, use it. Yes, you’ve been battered trying to help me kick my habit.  It’s perfect. 

(The intercom buzzes)

Sam: She’s here. Look I’ll tell her…

(Alex gets close enough to pinch Sam’s bare arm)

Sam: Ouch, ouch, that really hurts.  Okay, okay, whatever.

Alex gives a satisfied smile as the pinch marks start to show colour then breathes deeply.

Alex: It’s showtime, let her in!     

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