Much of this week has been spent marvelling and despairing at the fragile bubble that is creativity. I watched all thoughts of writing and any aspect of my work disappear over a recent weekend visit to my childhood home. Writing became purely an emotional outlet as I recognised (probably not for the first time) how many areas of my life I have compartmentalised. My romantic version of being a writer meant that I was eating, living and breathing writing and that everyone I was close to was not only aware of that but knew what it meant:
I am a writer. This means I live in a crazy, fantasy world world with unrealistic expectations. Thank you for understanding.
This quote always makes me smile, but over the last few days, I’ve watched it manifest in reality. Avidly pursuing any kind of creative activity means admitting to being crazy for not making financial concerns (amongst other things) a priority. While I can accept this about myself, it’s harder for others to understand this is who I have become. The sensible among you are quite rightly screaming at the screen that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks and of course, you are right. But through good, bad or indifference, family ties bind. In my world, I can be or do whatever I desire, but being back at ‘home’ I find myself manoeuvring between states of rationality, reverence and meeting expectations with varying degrees of success. As a result, I was forced to accept that familial issues, will always challenge creativity because unlike a regular job, creativity is less easy to park and resume especially at the startup phase.
So, I’ve got life to deal with just like anyone else, now what? I have to own and accept the emotional chaos some of the roles in my life bring; from the defying daughter, through the sometime sister, to the crazy creative (for completeness would add gallus girlfriend to this list but that would take artistic license too far). I also have to remind myself to keep banging the drum to reinforce my beliefs until they are heard and understood intrinsically by me, then it won’t matter what anyone else thinks.