I have, again, made the mistake of thinking that I can shelve writing (and exercise for that matter) while I devote my full concentration to backstage duties and facilitating a family visit from overseas. I get it into my head that I can’t possibly write and manage everything life presents adequately enough, so something will have to give. Unfortunately in these situations it’s always writing and self-improvement that has to give, because I lack the confidence and stamina to defend the life decisions I’ve made. But I’m a fool to think that not writing will improve matters. Experience has taught me that when circumstances are at their busiest or most intense, it is then I need to step up my writing efforts instead of retreating into the too familiar domesticity, duty and drama that ensues with family.
This absence of regular writing over the last week or so left me giving serious consideration to the advantages of employment. The financial benefits are obvious, but regaining a rigid structure, being less available to ‘help out’, daily interaction with others and recapturing a sense of self-worth are as important. Alternatively, I could stop complaining and finish what I started. A dear friend reminded me, ‘it’s when you perceive things are bad and not progressing as planned that you have to keep going because you’re probably much closer to your goal than you realise’. I was also encouraged to think and act as if I have already realised my aspirations (or words to that effect). Back in my comfortable sanctuary it is easier to be positive and see that in my reality things are not that bad after all. I finally received an email response from my local enterprise start-up scheme regarding funding and other support. I’ve also been invited to a theatre committee meeting later in the year.
Things are looking up and I’m happy to report that being able to express some of this angst verbally with friends and in this space has definitely improved my outlook. Whatever else is happening around me, writing is worth doing because it brings much needed peace and a spiritual connection.
As these words spilled out I sensed some semblance of what has become a normal headspace for me resuming. The pragmatist in me, says I should apply for the part time role in the charity sector suggested to me. If nothing else it’s an opportunity to fine tune my CV and should I get selected for interview I can ascertain what I think I’m missing out on. Perhaps getting closer to the flame will remind me of how ‘hot’ the office environment can be and whether it is worth risking the gains I have made. On the other hand it could be the ideal fit for my current needs.
In a perfect world I would be able to write, work and do life with equal balance. Multi-tasking in an office environment is and has been achievable for me. However, shifting quickly from one life situation to another is something I would like to be better at. I doubt I am alone on this seemingly impossible quest.